Dr Affie Adagio Life Coach, Family Therapist, Marriage Celebrant, Trainer

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Energy can seem to disappear when motivation becomes low. It is important not to hand over our power to the negative feelings which are also affected by negative associations. Notice how invincible we feel when motivation is high and we then have the energy to reach great achievements. So when motivation waxes and wanes we need to remember that it is a natural occurrence and not allow ourselves to over react one way or the other. Some strategies are listening to relaxing music, writing, reading, dancing, drawing, yoga, walking and many other options including regular medication as required, meeting with people we like, discussing our state with a therapist, mentor or priest. Quite often lack of motivation can create problems in recovery from obsessive compulsions and it becomes extremely hard to stay committed to the program we have chosen. At such times, rather than resort to substance or process abuse to relieve our pain, we can use whatever has worked in the past that results in a healthy outcome.

I have had some minor health problems lately
and this had affected my motivation causing
it to wax and wane
so I gave myself permission to take it easy
and I repeated affirmations such as
I am a magnate for good health
I am a magnate for a happy secure life
because otherwise I could be absorbed by
the negativity of ill health
already I am finding myself more motivated

Up and down 1, photo by sanja gjenero, Zagreb, Croatia

No matter how happy we are living alone we need love and music to keep us alive and happy. Notice how feelings change when we put music on. When the music is adagio, the heart warms and the serotonin is released making us relax. The same applies to other music such as some Chopin or Mozart, once played in psychiatric wards to calm the patients. Heavy metal music although popular with some youth, I found creates hostile behaviour. Romantic and country music may create more depression in lonely or depressed people. Admittedly, there are some who are affected differently than others. Nevertheless, one of most healing processes is love with soothing music or even Latin American - think of how many times the tune ‘Sway‘ has been popular over the decades.

as I spent many hours studying
sometimes bored, sometimes stressed
I put on some classical music to calm me
one such CD was Mozart and one melody in particular
grabbed my heart, figuratively speaking,
like no other had ever done before
in checking it out, it was one of his adagio melodies
more research with other composers resulted in
discovering more adagio pieces with the same result
so I decided that something that could bring out
loving feelings similar to what chocolate or a lover does
deserves to be my surname
what better way to choose a name!

I had a comment from Renee about a problem they were experiencing, which is worth writing a post on here. Many families are faced with the discomfort that a member’s compulsion can cause. There is a concern for what is obvious and then struggling with a need to not cause distress for the person in question, as can be seen in this plea:

Was wondering if anyone could help on an issue that my partner and I are having with his daughter. We have custody of her week on/week off. She is 10 years old and a beautiful girl but her weight is beginning to spiral out of control. She is now in a size 14 and around 50 kilos. We give her nothing but healthy food and we walk together but she has begun to steal food. It started with occassional pieces of chocolate leftover from celebrations to taking chocolate that was for a friends son for Xmas. It is only getting worse. She now rarely eats her dinner, preferring to sneak food into her room to eat. Her mother is not a great help as she often sends whole large bags of chips or lollies with her. My partners daughter will not talk about anything instead getting angry at us for finding out, she will not admit to what she has done. We really just want to help her! What can we do?

Imagine that the substance and behaviour were not food but rather a drug, would you be afraid to sit down with your partner’s daughter and discuss the problem? The same applies for compulsive eating as for any other compulsion. Of course she is uncomfortable to talk about it and becomes defensive - that’s how compulsive behaviour presents itself. You may be afraid that if you speak to her she may become anorexic. Better to ask her to talk to you both about something of concern. Make sure you use a nurturing method of talking. Explain that your concern is about her eating patterns and her weight gain. Ask her how she feels about it. If she continues to stand her ground then it is better that you see a therapist to help you plan a strategy. You may even take her to a doctor who can determine that she is obese and write a letter to give to the mother requesting that she stop contributing to the child’s obesity. Remember to use a nurturing tone at all times because fear can sometimes make us sound angry and that does not have a good outcome.

Tummy, photo by Kia Abell, United States

I promised to let you know why some visitors to Australia come here to get married because it is not possible to marry in their own country. I also wrote that as I was not exactly sure why this was the case I would wait for the next such wedding and then after more research I would let you know the facts. The reason is quite simple really. In a country where there is a main religion, the partner who is not of that religion needs to change to the religion of the land for a marriage to take place in the church. Here in our country inter-religious marriages have become easier in some cases. Back to the case of marriages in countries outside Australia - when a couple wished to have a civil marriage in such a country, red tape can take so long that it becomes thwarting. So couples visit other countries, bring back the formal documentation which is then recognised and registered in their own country.

I conducted a wedding for a couple from overseas where in their country it was
difficult to have a wedding due to his different religion
so once they lodged the notice of intended marriage in the due time
they flew over and I conducted their marriage in the Royal Botanic Gardens
with the Opera House and Harbour Bridge in the background
it was a delight and the photographer took some impressive pictures
he then took them to other attractive scenic spots where
more pictures were taken, finishing off in their hotel lobby
the couple then flew off to Fiji for their honeymoon…
a marriage to remember

Married, photo by Crystal Leigh Shearin, Rocky Mount, United States

People who are torn apart by their addiction can lose years struggling to find happiness. Having unhealthy behaviour, whether it is substance or process excesses, keeps us from finding fulfilment and serenity. Nevertheless, only when we become willing to go to any lengths to gain recovery are we able to achieve this freedom. The willingness to be abstinent is not so easy as it sounds. That is why it can be achieved with help from professionals and from self help groups where people have the experience to share about how they did it. Such groups are primarily the 12 Steps fellowship and/or SMART Recovery. The important thing to remember is NOT TO STOP SEARCHING FOR A SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM.

he had so much knowledge about recovery
yet he kept relapsing and was miserable
sometimes he felt that his life was hopeless
and that he should end it
nevertheless he did not give up
33 detox attempts still did not help
then one day like a bolt of lightening
he came out of the tunnel and the
light was not an oncoming train
instead he saw the sun and the trees
his only regret was the years he had wasted
until he found the willingness to be abstinent
at least it was ‘better late than never’!

Breakthrough, photo by Stefanie L., Meppen, Germany,

I cannot stress enough that people who are not experienced or qualified need to know their limitations when it comes to providing guidance or therapy to those who are afflicted with dysfunctional or addictive behaviours. I am being approached by so many visitors to this website who think that they can help by accommodating or enabling an addiction otherwise the person depending on them will die. Such people at times have risked their own and their children’s happiness and wellbeing in the belief that their partner is more important. The best action is to refer the afflicted person to a therapist and to also get help themselves to process the trauma they have experienced. Here is the answer I gave to one such comment.

Christy, your life is not only miserable but you have the responsibility of providing a safe upbringing for your children. Your husband is obviously in the clutches of addiction and so it is up to you to rescue yourself and your children. You have several options. You can leave him and set yourself up (and your children) in a new life free of his addiction. You can get help from a therapist specialising in this field and/or others who have had the same experiences and have succeeded in changing their lifestyles, like members of a 12 Step fellowship. Staying in the same situation and not doing anything about it, or just griping about it is not an option, particularly because you have the children to protect. So tell me what your decision is.

Shadow of a friend, photo by Marco Caliulo, Salerno, Italy

I wish you all a Happy New Year with happiness and love in your lives.  The festivities found me recuperating from a shoulder injury, as you know,  but now I am feeling more agile. My mind has turned to new year resolutions that we often make, some do-able and some unrealistic. Far better to set realistic goals so as to have a better chance of achieving them and less chance of failure with the outcome of guilt.

I am fascinated at the passion with which
we make new year resolutions
as though with the new year comes
a magic drive to achieve the unachievable
of the past year!
then after a few days we find ourselves
slipping back to old unacceptable behaviours
bummer! we blame the gods
better to not become intoxicated by the
passion of the promise of the new year
and rationally make a plan to get things done
things which we believe are best for us
and are more likely to succeed with

When we are injured physically or emotionally (burnout) the recovery process takes some time and we need to give ourselves permission to veg out and rest in order to heal. Sitting around doing nothing can cause us guilt but the recovery from injury takes time. We need to follow doctor’s orders and not push ourselves to do things that might throw us backwards. Patience is important and logic helps us to be patient till we are again well enough.

as I mentioned before I became injured
resulting in a dislocated shoulder
I took it easy with my arm in a sling
but I miscalculated the recovery time from injury
thinking that after few days I’d be able to be over the pain
it is now 5 weeks since the event and although
I have vegged out and rested and all that
I am still not altogether well and am still in pain
how wrong could I be?
nevertheless I am prepared to rest some more

Arm in sling, photo by Jacque Stengel, United States, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/618476

When two people enter into a relationship it quite often happens that they slip into roles as though they are on opposite ends of a ’see saw’ and this causes a perceived power imbalance where one feels overpowered by the other. The dominant partner increases their ability to be outspoken and the passive partner becomes even more quiet. But it can be an illusion because the partner who appears dominant is behaving that way because they feel unheard and the one who appears passive actually controls the relationship through passive aggression - both contribute to the disintegration of the relationship. It is vital that the couple stops the aggressive dance and looks at the whole situation with a willingness to talk through and to resolve the issue at hand, rather than trying to win the battle.

they love each other dearly yet
when they came to me for therapy
there was so much hate in their eyes!
at first each accused the other of being
cruel and not caring of the other
then they progressed to being curious
as to how they could possibly resolve this problem
finally they set some goals which seemed promising
and their demeanour towards each other was
much warmer as they left and prepared for the festivities

Talk 1, photo by Dora Pete, Nagytarcsa, Hungary, http://www.sxc.hu/photo/801380, loving dialogue

I have not written regular posts recently because I have been preoccupied with other priorities and because, more recently, I dislocated my shoulder. When life intervenes we reorganise our priorities to cope with the obstacles and eventually we learn to ‘go with the flow’ until everything is sorted out once more. As I live on my own, I had often wondered how I would manage should something serious happen to me. Well last week I found out. I tripped and felt the horrendous pain as my shoulder became dislocated. As I sat on the floor moaning and groaning holding onto my injured shoulder I manage to reach my mobile and call 000, twenty minutes after which I was picked up by an ambulance and taken to St Vincents Hospital Emergency. I was Xrayed and under anaesthetic they took care of the injury. My arm is in a sling and I am on the mend. The point I am making is that when life intervenes we can manage to ‘dust ourselves off and start all over again’.